teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
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Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.