Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
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I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
😆this is so true
Oh deer
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
DOOO EEEET
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now