Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
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Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
dutch so unserious
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.