Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
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My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
My flabber has been gasted.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there