Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
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(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.