Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
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Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
*offers Batman cough drops*
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
2 years later
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
#damn
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.