Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
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Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent