Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.