TEETH IS INNOCENT
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If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.