Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
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customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Welcome to the stomach
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane