*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
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Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”