Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
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The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”