tell em, edith-anne
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date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
They did not think through this water fountain
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.