Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
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[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
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Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.