Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
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[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I would move hell over six inches for you
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?