“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
You Might Also Like
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth