Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
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My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Taliband
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I feel this so hard
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.