ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
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Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?