Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
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[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.