Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
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Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth