@Heatinblack

Tell the colonel to bring it

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@_elvishpresley_

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

@ch000ch

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

@RealDMK

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

@Purpell_Nurpell

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

@JasonNotEvil

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

@Dawn_M_

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

@JulieSnark

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

@Boredom1023

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

@cherryzigzags

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

@Ivsy01

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.