Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
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I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…