Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
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How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.