Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
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(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’