Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
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Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.