Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
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*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work