(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
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Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Google Pay be like:
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Ok, but like, how married are you?
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad