Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
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[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend