Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
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me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
After how many years should you clean your microwave?