Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

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Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.


Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit


Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are


Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?


what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.


*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**


If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.


“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats