Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
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It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.