@spazrunsny

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

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@fillthevacuum

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

@kariassad

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

@Stellacopter

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

@ChrisThayerSays

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

@Erin1137

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

@lawyerthoughts

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

@garrydavenport

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats