Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
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Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Who wants to be my Valentine?
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer