Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
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Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Oh my God.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I missed you with all my darts
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun