Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
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Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.