Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
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My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful