Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
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Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Me too, bag. Me too….
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious