Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
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AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants