@o__0Dev I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
@smerobin Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
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@o__0Dev 
@lloydrang Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
@NickSwardson Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
@o__0Dev Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
@jjhartinger If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
@TheSchnizzy Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
@TwoSapphiresBlu My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
@GibJimson I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
@champagngetaway Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
@Schroofles Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.