Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
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[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
this is the best interaction on twitter
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.