Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
You Might Also Like
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Lucky old June.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.