Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
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A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.