Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
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You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
no!! no!!!!!!
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.