coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
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“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
My dog learned how to text
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”