@proEXgirlfriend

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

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@_elvishpresley_

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

@LuckoftheDraw86

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

@TheHyyyype

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

@GrowlyGrego

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

@sofarrsogud

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

@DevilryFun

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

@AngelaEhh

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

@hipchkk

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

@geekysteven

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”