telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
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No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.