Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Lucky old June.