Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
You Might Also Like
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes