@pleatedjeans

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

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@lcwojo

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

@simoncholland

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

@PeterMolydeux

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

@Annekinns

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

@MariyaAlexander

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

@vineyille

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

@_themadchatter

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

@LizHackett

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.