temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
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You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
New favorite tiktok
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*