Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
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Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
こいつ天才
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.