Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
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I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
One of the best
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot