ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
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Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
me: shit she knows
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
god: you’re a pig
god: you’re filthy
god: you eat slop from a trough
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.