ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
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Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah