Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
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♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.