ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
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“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results